A player recently approached me and asked if we could talk about moving up to a higher-level team. I was impressed that they had the courage to initiate a conversation about something important to them. They were respectful, thoughtful, and willing to listen.

That player advocated for themselves. They identified something they wanted and had the confidence to ask about it.

Teaching athletes to advocate for themselves is one of the most valuable things we can do. It builds confidence, encourages personal responsibility, and helps them learn how to navigate challenging conversations.

My first question in this type of conversation is: “What do you see as your strengths and areas for improvement as both a player and a teammate?”

This question helps me understand how the player views themselves and whether their assessment aligns with what the coaching staff sees. That shared understanding creates a productive starting point for discussing goals, expectations, and the path forward.

At what age should my player begin advocating for themselves?

Every athlete is different, so there is no specific age that applies to everyone. However, many players are ready by middle school to speak directly with their coach about difficult topics, including their role, development, and playing time.

Parents can help their athletes prepare by following these steps:

Step 1: Identify Strengths and Areas for Improvement

Encourage your player to write down what they believe they do well and where they need to improve—as both a player and a teammate.

This is not an exercise in being overly critical. It is about developing honest self-awareness. Their notes can provide a framework for the conversation and help them set realistic goals (don’t worry, we will be discussing goals in another post ;-).

Step 2: Contact the Coach

The player should email the coach directly or ask in person for a time to talk. The request needs to come from the athlete.

This shows the coach that the player wants the conversation and is prepared to take responsibility for their own development. When parents email on their behalf, of course they are being helpful, but as a coach, we want to see the initiative come from their player. 

Step 3: Maintain a Respectful and Positive Attitude

Coaches are responsible for making decisions that benefit the team as a whole. Players should enter the conversation with an open mind and be willing to listen to the coach’s perspective.

Rather than demanding more playing time or a different role, the player can express a desire to contribute more and ask for specific, constructive feedback:

“What do I need to improve to earn more opportunities?”

A respectful attitude makes an honest and productive conversation much more likely.

Step 4: Demonstrate Commitment and Work Rate

Players must do more than talk about their goals—they must consistently work toward them.

That includes giving full effort during practices, responding positively to feedback, supporting teammates, and completing extra repetitions at home when no one is watching. Coaches notice when players are developing, and they also notice when players are not putting in the work outside of scheduled practices.

What is the coach looking for?

Although a player may want something from the coach, they must be prepared to hear that they may not receive it right away—or at all.

A coach’s responsibility is to put the team in the best position to succeed. At that moment, the player’s desired role may not align with what the team needs. However, the coach should be able to explain what the player needs to improve and what the path to the next level may look like.

Speaking directly with a coach is not always easy. It takes courage, maturity, and initiative—all qualities we want athletes to develop.

Encourage your player to have the conversation, listen carefully, and then turn the feedback into action.

About Amy Masters

Amy Masters is a sports mom, coach, and club owner/administrator. She has been coaching youth sports (not just hockey) for more than 15 years. She started Jr Lions Field Hockey, the youth recreation program for the Hunterdon County community, growing it from 40 players in year 1 to 150 players by year 3. 

A few years later, she saw the love and competitiveness grow, then started Omega Field Hockey Club, serving NJ and PA athletes. Before coaching, she was a collegiate field hockey player for Lock Haven University, winning 2 national championships and being named All-American. 

In her spare time, she loves playing mediocre golf, spending time with family (like her latte addicted daughter, sarcastic son, and kind husband), loves fitness, playing against the U12s in scrimmages, and is happy to race anyone. She was also the co-editor of a youth sports newsletter that served over 3 million subscribers. She is now taking her insight here to the world of hockey.

Each post is written by Amy Masters (not AI), but grammatically corrected by Google – thanks Google.